A touching examination of life-changing loss and the long road toward something like closure

In a moving triptych of loss and recovery, Fredricka R. Maister chronicles the three significant losses that have shaped her life. She frames them with a final series of reflections that acknowledge how far she’s come in facing the deaths of her father, boyfriend, and mother. Three Times a Mourner: Personal Essays on Grief and Healing digs deep into how the loss of loved ones changes you permanently.

It’s striking to see Maister shut out of the grieving process as a child in the 1960s when her father died suddenly at age 54. The prevailing theory was that not talking about death shielded kids from these hard feelings. At the same time, talking frequently and freely about Richard’s murder with other survivors of violent crime when she was an adult—while better in some ways—still didn’t give Maister a quick and clear path to “closure.” Even the “good” death of her mother—of old age, basically—left Maister feeling unmoored again. Through it all, Maister struggles to cope, and her self-examination is heartening for anyone facing similar losses.

The essays are subtly affecting, if sometimes surprisingly brief. The through-lines of anger, abandonment and loss, despite the fact that each passing couldn’t be more different in the details, are clear. Maister’s work is illustrative for anyone meandering through their own grief journey. Her reflective voice is welcoming and yet brutally honest. She makes room for readers to sit and feel their feelings as she has learned to do.

It’s easy to think someone gifted with words can handily write through hard times. Yet Maister shows that none of us is spared from struggling with this experience, even if we are all unique in our grieving needs. Her multidisciplinary approach to mourning included Jewish rituals, retreats, a DIY memorial for Richard at Bear Mountain north of New York City, therapy, support groups, and simply writing. The path remains the same—that is, inconsistent, full of good days and bad days, and most years better than the one before. And every once in a while, there’s a glimmer of hope, of joy, and of happiness that life does go on, and we take those loved ones with us in our hearts.

“Three Times a Mourner is a gift—unflinchingly honest, courageous, and intimate, opening the way for readers to access their own pain. It reveals the damaging, though perhaps well-intentioned, shielding of Maister as a child confronted with the sudden death of her father, the first of her three significant losses. And it poignantly underscores the lesson of how critical it is to grieve our deep losses, openly and frequently, as they resurface again and again.”

Three Times A Mourner: Personal Essays on Grief and Healing by Fredricka R. Maister is a memoir examining how loss shaped Maister’s understanding of family, memory, and identity through the deaths of her father, boyfriend, and mother. In Fifty Years Without a Dad, she looks at her father’s sudden death when she was 12, and the isolation she suffered due to her family’s avoidance of the topic. Surviving Homicide, Parts I and II, covers the shock of her boyfriend Richard’s murder and ensuing police investigation and court case, culminating in an unexpected legal outcome. She recounts her boyfriend’s murder, the criminal investigation, and her role in the legal process. Storied Stuff: Mom’s Pillow begins with a velvet pillow once gifted to her mother, their strained relationship, and a late acknowledgment of what transpired.

Fredricka R. Maister’s Three Times A Mourner is a really moving and thoughtful collection of essays, and she does a beautiful job of sharing her three major losses with honesty and compassion. Her writing style has a natural grace to it, even when she is talking about extraordinarily difficult events, and it is easy to connect with the author and her stories as a result. Between the parts, I like that Maister injects some of her broader thoughts on death as a whole. In Deaths Come in Threes, Maister distinguishes between natural and violent losses and describes what helped her the most in processing her grief. Reaching Out for Help details a shift from self-reliance to seeking support, using the power of community and shared understanding. Overall, this is a wonderful read. Very highly recommended.

In her moving and self-revelatory collection of essays, Three Times a Mourner, Fredricka Maister grabs grief and puts it in a chokehold, holding it still enough so that we’re able to see it up close and personal. Writing eloquently and candidly about her struggle with the early, tragic death of her father, the devastating murder of her longtime partner, and finally the passing of her mother, Maister shares her cautionary tale of how and how not to grieve the loss of those close to us.

This book of essays shares honestly and vividly how different kinds of losses can upend our lives. Fredricka Maister gives hope to others navigating prolonged and complicated grief that it’s never too late to find a way to healing—your way.

In Three Times a Mourner, Fredricka Maister crafts an original, spare, and fierce work about her losses, some familiar and one shocking. None of us survives without sorrow, but with the pain of each blow, Maister steers the reader through her journey of survival with strength, grace, and even moments of humor. Maister’s story of exploration and healing is a masterful reflection for anyone and everyone dealing with grief.